The Patriot Press

‘Twas the night before winter break…

‘Twas the night before winter break…

Edgar Alex Toe, to be or not to be?

December 23, 2018

The Artichoke: Liberty’s Finest News Source

Elflex Tinselford, Singing out loud for all to hear

December 23, 2018

Here on the backpage, we understand that trying to follow the news can be overwhelming. That’s why we’re dedicated to providing you, our loyal readers, with the most important, quasi-plausible headlines that you need to know.

L-Files #4: The Illuminati at Liberty?

December 23, 2018

As the school year has progressed, a startling new trend has emerged. A series of problems that have only been getting worse. All evidence that the illuminati has infiltrated Liberty. The long line of cars that pile up in front...

Disappearance of kids who set the curve

Tatum Lindquist, Editor in Chief

November 24, 2018

I don’t have much time; they’re on to me. I don’t know if they’ll find this, or if they don’t, if anyone will read it, but I must attempt to reveal the truth. Liberty’s culture equates students’ grades and test...

What truly goes down in the chemical storage room?

November 24, 2018

It's no secret that Buchli stows away his students’ backpacks during a test in the chemical storage room, but his motives are far more horrifying than anyone could have ever imagined.  The brave speculate that he plants nano-sized...

Hot or Not? of History

September 26, 2018

Hot: Martin Luther’s heretical bestseller The 95 Theses The Discovery of Coffee Europe finally letting go of its colonies The Invention of Fire Socrates inventing his patented Socratic Seminars ™ The Scien...

Banned Homecoming dance moves

September 26, 2018

Liberty Homecoming has a timeless tradition of tasteful dancing. But it wasn’t always this way. Here are the most vile, scummy dances from Liberty’s unregulated dancing era. “The Sweaty Sock” This classic dance move...

Liberty Football asserts American dominance

Armurica Greatlee, Artichoke Editor

September 26, 2018

It’s not often that barbarians come to challenge you in your national sport. But that’s exactly what happened on August 31, the Friday before school started. They came from the north. With Canada having also declined to...

The Artichoke: Liberty’s Finest News Source

Alexandra Fordhart and Alex Hartford

September 26, 2018

We here at the Artichoke have your best interests in mind. So in order to serve our loyal patrons, we have compiled the most important (and completely true) news headlines of the last few months. Always remember to stay informed!

BP Profile: Sentimental kid

December 15, 2017

You’ve always been the sentimental type. Throughout your youth, you obsessively scrapbooked and made sure to collect the signatures of every single kid in your grade for your yearbook. As you’ve grown up, you’ve kept...

BP Profile: Skiing kid

December 15, 2017

After water skiing every day of the summer, you eagerly count the days until the first snow falls. You walk through the hallways every day, fully decked out in your ski gear. Your classmates have learned to duck whenever you...

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