A new way to sashay into prom

For the past two years, prom hasn’t happened. (I wonder why…) Anyways, now that prom is back, and May 20 is approaching rapidly, here are some tips on what to wear and what to do when you get there. When you’re at the aquarium, don’t forget to say hi to the Decabrachia— aka the squid!

Mishaal Khan and

First of all, you should definitely wear a big, furry yeti suit. It’ll make everyone drool over your luscious fuzzy curls. Who doesn’t want to dance with a yeti? Those strong hands, fluffy complexion, and pinky color…Anyways, yeti suit for the win! 

Next, make sure your hair is cute and your nails are styled (AND THOSE CHOMPERS ARE BRUSHED, no one wants to smell stinky breath). Put some nail polish on those yeti toes. If you go for a buzz cut maybe you’ll look like Pete Davidson… don’t you want to pretend to be dating Kim Kardashian? 

As for shoes, Mary Janes under that yeti suit would look fire, but then again, what about some signature red bottoms to match the red feet of the suit? A pair of fish flops from Bass Pro Shops might be a look you’d want to consider too. Plus as an added bonus, you get to make eye contact with the cute fish as you wear their brother’s corpse!

Make sure you get lots of photos with someone you absolutely loathe. You should keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. You should stand in a dim place, so the low lighting symbolizes the deep chasm of complex mysteries and maybe even misunderstandings between the two of you. Since prom is at the aquarium, perhaps a couple (mish)fishies will photobomb your photos. Or, if you’re feeling a little crazy, you can drive to the nudist park down in Tiger Mountain and pose with some trees. Legend says if you go deep enough into the forest you’ll see an insanely tall figure, towering over the trees. If he sees you in your outfit, he might think you’ve come to court him. So, run for your life, or if you’re into a big hunk like him, shoot your shot by wiggling your toes. He’ll probably be your prom date (if you’re lucky). 

But before you get to the aquarium, eat a huge dinner. You want to be so full that you won’t get hungry at prom. Besides, even if they serve food, what will it be? Snail eggs? That’s not a chance you want to take. What if your breath ends up smelling like some snail’s children?

Now that your outfit is decided and you’ve stuffed yourself like a taxidermied dog, all you need to do is stay confident on the dance floor and bust out the foxtrot. Don’t worry, you’ll just know how to do it when you first step foot onto the dance floor!

Rock your body!! Just like Justin Timberlake says, “Don’t be so quick to walk away. Dance with me.” Do the worm so intensely that the D.J. has to stop the music and everyone stares at you. 

After you’re done doing the worm, go take a swim with the fish. The water’s just perfect for a dip! Plus, if you get thirsty, you can take a big ol’ gulp of that salty fish water! Definitely have some chips in your pocket just in case you get hungry after seeing all those fish. You can use the water as a dip! Who needs queso?

Now that you’ve successfully gone to prom and were the life of the party, you need to go home and rest. Take off that yeti suit and relax. Mission accomplished. Snooze to your heart’s desire. You earned it champ.