The Patriot Press

Backpage Controversy

Backpage Controversy

Alex Hartford and Arne Grette

December 23, 2018

Recently, a group of students have filed a proposal to Superintendent Ron Thiele petitioning to have the current extremely dangerous 10 mph limit raised to a much more reasonable 45 mph. It’s a little known technicality that the state-required 20 mph speed limit for school zones is shaped like a doughnut,...

‘Twas the night before winter break…

‘Twas the night before winter break...

Edgar Alex Toe, to be or not to be?

December 23, 2018

‘Twas the night before Winter Break, when all through Liberty High, not a creature was stirring, not even freshman guys!

The Artichoke: Liberty’s Finest News Source

Elflex Tinselford, Singing out loud for all to hear

December 23, 2018

Here on the backpage, we understand that trying to follow the news can be overwhelming. That’s why we’re dedicated to providing you, our loyal readers, with the most important, quasi-plausible headlines that you need to know.

L-Files #4: The Illuminati at Liberty?

December 23, 2018

As the school year has progressed, a startling new trend has emerged. A series of problems that have only been getting worse. All evidence that the illuminati has infiltrated Liberty. The long line of cars that pile up in front of the school before school begins is a struggle for all Liberty students....

Disappearance of kids who set the curve

Tatum Lindquist, Editor in Chief

November 24, 2018

I don’t have much time; they’re on to me. I don’t know if they’ll find this, or if they don’t, if anyone will read it, but I must attempt to reveal the truth. Liberty’s culture equates students’ grades and test scores to their worth as humans—making enemies of students who set the...

What truly goes down in the chemical storage room?

November 24, 2018

It's no secret that Buchli stows away his students’ backpacks during a test in the chemical storage room, but his motives are far more horrifying than anyone could have ever imagined.  The brave speculate that he plants nano-sized cameras on cell phones to track how often his students use social media....

Hot or Not? of History

September 26, 2018

Hot: Martin Luther’s heretical bestseller The 95 Theses The Discovery of Coffee Europe finally letting go of its colonies The Invention of Fire Socrates inventing his patented Socratic Seminars ™ The Scientific Revolution Not: King Tut’s early death (RIP KT 1324 B.C.) ...

Banned Homecoming dance moves

September 26, 2018

Liberty Homecoming has a timeless tradition of tasteful dancing. But it wasn’t always this way. Here are the most vile, scummy dances from Liberty’s unregulated dancing era. “The Sweaty Sock” This classic dance move was a homecoming staple until Mr. Kennedy tried the move back in ‘99....

Liberty Football asserts American dominance

Armurica Greatlee, Artichoke Editor

September 26, 2018

It’s not often that barbarians come to challenge you in your national sport. But that’s exactly what happened on August 31, the Friday before school started. They came from the north. With Canada having also declined to pay for a wall on their border with the U.S., it’s unknown if they came...

The Artichoke: Liberty’s Finest News Source

Alexandra Fordhart and Alex Hartford

September 26, 2018

We here at the Artichoke have your best interests in mind. So in order to serve our loyal patrons, we have compiled the most important (and completely true) news headlines of the last few months. Always remember to stay informed!

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