Your argument won’t float

Arne Grette, Lettuce History Major

I can’t believe I’m even wasting my time on this debate. What has romaine lettuce ever done for society? Meanwhile, the mighty iceberg lettuce has been a powerful force throughout history, able to accomplish the great feat of sinking the unsinkable. I challenge Backpage readers to name another vegetable influential enough to warrant a Leonardo di Caprio film.
True vegetable enthusiasts also adore the iceberg for its wonderfully spherical shape, in contrast to the oblong abomination that is the romaine. Any geometry student can tell you that the succulent slices of the iceberg lettuce are the pinnacle of naturally-occuring engineering. The ratio of the iceberg’s circumference to crunchiness ensures a delicious mouthful of vitamins and minerals no matter the angle you take your first bite.
Agricultural investors have also been attracted to this lettuce’s lucious leaves for their investment potential. With global warming accelerating and the icecaps melting, future consumers will be sure to buy the iceberg for its sentimental reminder of the frozen water that used to naturally occur on the planet.
Other than denting large ships trying to cross the Atlantic, the iceberg lettuce also has a kind, gentle nature, and would never hurt a fly. In contrast, romaine lettuce has a long, brutal history of infecting suburban populations.
In 2018 alone, two outbreaks of E. Coli from romaine lettuce resulted in a whopping 121 hospitalizations and five deaths. Despite what Romaine Reigns might be trying to convince you of, no piece of romaine lettuce is worth dying for, let alone paying for!
And get this—the likely reason for the outbreak? The water used to irrigate the romaine was contaminated by cow dung from the nearby farm. Maybe that’s what the romaine-defending idiots mean when they say that it has “extra nutrients.”
Backpage reader—your choice is laid out before you. Would you prefer a crispy, symmetrical orb of pristine natural beauty or a crap-contaminated blob of green stuff with absolutely no aesthetic value? Next time you go to the grocery store, know that the world of vegetable enthusiasts is watching—and ready to judge should you make the uneducated choice.