Cease your petty foolishness

Alex Hartford, Lettuce enthusiast

I am truly ashamed of my peers. When the Worldwide Lettuce Census (WLC) results came back last year, it showed me the ignorance of man. The true nature of people is thusly explained: iceberg lettuce was the most popular variety.
Let that sink in for a second. Billions of people across the globe making salads out of… Ugh I can’t even imagine— Iceberg lettuce.
Now that I know the truth, the ignorance of man, let me attempt to educate you on your misguided ways.
Many people consider these two types of lettuce interchangeable. However, romaine lettuce and iceberg lettuce could not be more different. I am appalled that you could even consider them comparable. In order to better inform you, let’s consider romaine lettuce’s deep heritage for a second.
To the ignorant eye, “romaine” just looks like a made up italian word. But think deeper, and you will realize that “romaine” is actually derived from “Roman.” This connection is not just something I made up (but don’t look it up, just trust me) and it shows the truth behind Romaine’s noble, rightful rule at the top of the salad hierarchy. Ever had a caesar salad? Well if you’re not using romaine lettuce, you’re appropriating Roman culture in the worst way possible. Shame on you.
And iceberg lettuce? Where’s that from? Antarctica? Tell me how many Goths and Sassanids the Antarctic Legion has slain. None? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s talk kill counts:
If you’re unconvinced still, let me tell you about the nutritional value of romaine lettuce. In romaine lettuce, you have protein, fiber, calcium, potassium, Vitamin C, Folic acid, beta carotene — the list goes on and on! According to my calculations and personal research, one could use romaine lettuce to fulfill almost any dietary need. And if you abide by my “All Romaine means No Weight Gain” diet, I can assure that you will not gain weight for the rest of your (relatively short) life! Some argue that iceberg lettuce also technically has all of those vitamins and minerals, which is technically true. But… Uh… Let’s move on.
In conclusion, lettuce is culturally significant, more (equally) nutritious compared to iceberg lettuce, and is truly the intellectual’s lettuce. What more could you ask for?