Shut Up, I’m Talking

Since the dawn of time, mankind has seeked — sook? Saked? — anyways, mankind has been trying to find one singular thing. This ceaseless quest lies at the core of our species, and yet few people today seek to continue the timeless debate. We here at The Backpage, however, are students of culture and history, and will continue the noble fight for truth and justice. One question will be answered today: Iceberg or Romaine?

May 18, 2019

Your argument won’t float

I can’t believe I’m even wasting my time on this debate. What has romaine lettuce ever done for society? Meanwhile, the mighty iceberg lettuce has been a powerful force throughout history, able to accomplish the great feat of sinking the unsinkable. I challenge Backpage readers to name another vegetable influential enough to warrant a Leonardo di Caprio film.
True vegetable enthusiasts also adore the iceberg for its wonderfully spherical shape, in contrast to the oblong abomination that is the romaine. Any geometry student can tell you that the succulent slices of the iceberg lettuce are the pinnacle of naturally-occuring engineering. The ratio of the iceberg’s circumference to crunchiness ensures a delicious mouthful of vitamins and minerals no matter the angle you take your first bite.
Agricultural investors have also been attracted to this lettuce’s lucious leaves for their investment potential. With global warming accelerating and the icecaps melting, future consumers will be sure to buy the iceberg for its sentimental reminder of the frozen water that used to naturally occur on the planet.
Other than denting large ships trying to cross the Atlantic, the iceberg lettuce also has a kind, gentle nature, and would never hurt a fly. In contrast, romaine lettuce has a long, brutal history of infecting suburban populations.
In 2018 alone, two outbreaks of E. Coli from romaine lettuce resulted in a whopping 121 hospitalizations and five deaths. Despite what Romaine Reigns might be trying to convince you of, no piece of romaine lettuce is worth dying for, let alone paying for!
And get this—the likely reason for the outbreak? The water used to irrigate the romaine was contaminated by cow dung from the nearby farm. Maybe that’s what the romaine-defending idiots mean when they say that it has “extra nutrients.”
Backpage reader—your choice is laid out before you. Would you prefer a crispy, symmetrical orb of pristine natural beauty or a crap-contaminated blob of green stuff with absolutely no aesthetic value? Next time you go to the grocery store, know that the world of vegetable enthusiasts is watching—and ready to judge should you make the uneducated choice.

Cease your petty foolishness

I am truly ashamed of my peers. When the Worldwide Lettuce Census (WLC) results came back last year, it showed me the ignorance of man. The true nature of people is thusly explained: iceberg lettuce was the most popular variety.
Let that sink in for a second. Billions of people across the globe making salads out of… Ugh I can’t even imagine— Iceberg lettuce.
Now that I know the truth, the ignorance of man, let me attempt to educate you on your misguided ways.
Many people consider these two types of lettuce interchangeable. However, romaine lettuce and iceberg lettuce could not be more different. I am appalled that you could even consider them comparable. In order to better inform you, let’s consider romaine lettuce’s deep heritage for a second.
To the ignorant eye, “romaine” just looks like a made up italian word. But think deeper, and you will realize that “romaine” is actually derived from “Roman.” This connection is not just something I made up (but don’t look it up, just trust me) and it shows the truth behind Romaine’s noble, rightful rule at the top of the salad hierarchy. Ever had a caesar salad? Well if you’re not using romaine lettuce, you’re appropriating Roman culture in the worst way possible. Shame on you.
And iceberg lettuce? Where’s that from? Antarctica? Tell me how many Goths and Sassanids the Antarctic Legion has slain. None? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s talk kill counts:
If you’re unconvinced still, let me tell you about the nutritional value of romaine lettuce. In romaine lettuce, you have protein, fiber, calcium, potassium, Vitamin C, Folic acid, beta carotene — the list goes on and on! According to my calculations and personal research, one could use romaine lettuce to fulfill almost any dietary need. And if you abide by my “All Romaine means No Weight Gain” diet, I can assure that you will not gain weight for the rest of your (relatively short) life! Some argue that iceberg lettuce also technically has all of those vitamins and minerals, which is technically true. But… Uh… Let’s move on.
In conclusion, lettuce is culturally significant, more (equally) nutritious compared to iceberg lettuce, and is truly the intellectual’s lettuce. What more could you ask for?

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