Theft, Slander, Murder—all terrible crimes. But the most terrible of them all has recently seen a surge at Liberty High School.
Sharing spoilers is a crime as old as time. In 762 BC, a Greek comedian was murdered on stage after he gave away the key secret in The Illiad: they hide in the horse to get inside the walls.
Please note that Backpage would never have shared the above spoiler if it had not been 2,771 years since it was published. By our calculations, anyone who wanted to seen it would have seen it by now.
In response to the recent release of Avengers: Endgame, Liberty High School has amended its physical violence policy to make punching people who spoil movies an acceptable act of revenge.
The new policy is modeled off of an old set of British laws that legalized all violence against people who shared more than three key Shakespeare spoilers within one month of the play’s release.
A spokesperson for Liberty was asked why the admin team determined where to draw the line in only allowing a single punch about perpetrators, saying that “we sought to make a policy that was perfectly balanced, as all things should be.”
The policy has made an immediate impact: spoiler sharing has been cut by 90 percent and the amount of smug “spoilerers” with black eyes has increased exponentially. One sophomore that reportedly spoiled Endgame for over 50 of his classmates said that he felt deep regret for his actions, saying that it had cost him “everything.”