Here on the backpage, we understand that trying to follow the news can be overwhelming. That’s why we’re dedicated to providing you, our loyal readers, with the most important, quasi-plausible headlines that you need to know.

Hopelessly Devoted to You (the Confederacy)

Local “Grease” hopeful mistakes play setting of “50’s” as the 1850’s as he shows up to audition in full civil war attire. “They should really be more clear about this kind of thing,” he said.

Can’t Please Everyone

While Liberty students celebrate the 8-period schedule for the next few years, the Overachievers Union expressed their frustration. “8 is not nearly enough. how am I supposed to take 30 AP’s in high school with such a restrictive schedule?” A union representative said.

Sorry to Rain on Your Parade:

Snowcoming Week to be renamed “Raincoming Week” to correct overly optimistic view of Seattle weather.