It’s not often that barbarians come to challenge you in your national sport.
But that’s exactly what happened on August 31, the Friday before school started.
They came from the north.
With Canada having also declined to pay for a wall on their border with the U.S., it’s unknown if they came through the border legally or not— but what we do know is that they came having educated themselves on how best to attack our national pride.
Football isn’t just a sport. It’s a cultural icon, it’s our identity, and it’s one of the only things we can claim we’re the best at in the entire world, regardless of if we’re the only country that takes it seriously.
It’s safe to say that we defended our national pride while asserting dominance over our inferior northern neighbors. A whopping 28-12 victory showed them that ‘Murica is indeed both the superior football competitor and nation as a whole. After all, what other country gives their citizens the freedom to go bankrupt paying for medical bills without any pesky government involvement?
The game was not without its fair bit of scandals. Liberty coach Throu LeBal filed an official complaint with the Canadian government (WIAA doesn’t have any jurisdiction in Canada) regarding the use of a sticky substance on the Canadian receivers’ gloves that made it easier to catch passes. The substance is suspected to be a viscous liquid known as “maple syrup” that is apparently used in Canada as a multipurpose adhesive, insect trap, and even pancake condiment.
However, the Canadian coach May Pelief responded by claiming that the two teams didn’t have equality of opportunity — a rather communistic and unAmerican concept — in training. While Liberty’s football team has the opportunity to use padded metal blocking sleds, the Canadian team was stuck pushing the local moose herd to try and perfect their technique.
The local sports community waits in anticipation for the upcoming October rematch between the two teams. Liberty’s team will travel north to play the Canadian team in a form of icy Canadian football known as “hockey”. Canadian quarterback/goalie Eyema Aythleet promised that they plan to give the Liberty team a “sharp and icy revenge” in return for beating them in September.