It’s 2021 and you know what they (and by they, I mean overly-optimistic fitness vloggers) say: new year, new me! I think we can all agree that 2020 put us through the ringer, but here are my 2021 resolutions to get my life back on track. 

Stand Up

I have not left my chair and/or bed in over six months! I used to stroll over to my desk, but now I just kind of roll out of bed and slide onto the chair. I’m not sure if I still remember how to stand up, but 2021 is my year to re-learn. 

Talk

I have also not spoken English out loud in over six months. I type during my Zoom classes, never leave my house, and who wants to talk to their parents? I’ve tried to talk, but I think my vocal chords have rusted and no longer work. Maybe I’ll try some of those CD’s babies use to learn how to talk.

Read more 

I loved reading all throughout elementary school, but I don’t get around to reading much these days, unless you count Instagram story infographics. I think I have regressed back to a second grade reading level. I tried to read Junie B Jones last night and cried. 

Wear pants

Pants! Remember pants? For those of you who may have forgotten, here’s a refresher: they’re like shirts but for your legs! Legs are those two things at the bottom of your torso that no one can see on Zoom! Anywho, I cannot remember the last time I wore pants, nor can I remember how to put them on. I highly doubt they will fit now that my legs are moulded to my desk chair. 

Tell my teachers they’ve been saying my name wrong for over half of the year 

As a result of not talking, I have yet to make contact with my teachers. They do not know what I look like, nor do they know how to pronounce my name. They said it wrong on the first day, and I let it slide to be nice. I told myself that I would correct them later, but then I never did. 

Eat more veggies 

I think that former first lady Michelle Obama would be appalled if she found out what I have been eating. I don’t remember the last time I had a vegetable, unless you count the Mott’s carrot fruit snack, which I am assuming Michelle Obama would not. The Reagan Administration considered ketchup a vegetable, which I do consume regularly, but Reagan is dead so I don’t think it worked out for him.