Many of you have noticed the newest changes to Liberty – new hall passes and chained laptops in the library. We here at The Bugle believe that there’s a sinister reason for these changes. In order to prove our suspicions, we began an investigation to get to the bottom of the disappearance of desktop computers from Liberty’s library.
Our search for the missing data processors began on the second day of school, using covert tactics to track Principal Sean Martin back to his house at [REDACTED], where we found every single missing thinking machine. Martin has stashed over 300 number crunchers in his basement, and for only one purpose: mining bitcoin.
With laborious research and a thorough analysis of all the evidence before us, and Martin’s giant board explaining how he plans to become a billionaire, we at The Bugle have uncovered Martin’s master plan. On November 31st, Martin will sell all the bitcoin that he has mined, immediately launching a bitcoin depression across the market. In doing so, he’ll also succeed at his ultimate goal: depleting arithmetic teacher Thomas Kennedy’s bountiful bitcoin shares and forcing him to stay at Liberty in anticipation of the next price spike.
While Martin moves forward with his plan, he’s also caring for the safety of school property. The 37% uptick in laptop thefts over the 2018-19 school year has led Martin to place locks on the replacement ones in the library.
By essentially bike-locking each laptop to the desks, Martin is discouraging theft attempts. Now, prospective thieves are forced to remove a table with their laptop. However, the locks don’t offer complete safety for the brand new mainframes: by simply freezing the lock with dry ice or melting it with a road flare, laptops become free for the taking.
Of course the easy solution for thieves is right in front of them: knowing the combination. While no ordinary students have figured out the combination yet, we at The Bugle found it hidden in a sealed envelope under Martin’s tire. To unlock the laptops, the 4-digit passcode is