Reality TV Star:
Becoming a reality TV star is not something you can simply decide to be one day. You can’t just wake up to find cameramen and a lighting crew in your room (unless you’re Kim Kardashian). If you want to excel at the job, you need to live and breathe reality TV. You have to train every day, really want it, and whine throughout the whole process. With that said, here’s how to become a reality TV star.
First, be as rude and fake as possible. Everyone knows that to be successful in Hollywood you should be anything but yourself. Don’t pass the salt when asked. Don’t ask your friend what’s wrong when you see him or her crying. If you have to go out of your way, don’t do it. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. It’s that simple.
Next, always remember that people genuinely care about your issues. Take any chance you have to complain about your life or to talk about how rich you are (and if you aren’t a millionaire, stop reading — you have no shot at this). For example, saying, “None of my five Porsches matched my outfit today. The struggle is real,” is a great place to start. And if someone’s not interested in you, just start crying. Then, complain the tears ruined your makeup. That’ll work guaranteed.
The final step is to give up any talents you have. Reality TV stars have no talents, so you should as well. Spend all your time overreacting instead of enjoying your previous talents and hobbies.
Struggling Artist:
A struggling artist is a job millions of children dream of having, but only a few are successful in the end. Here’s the 100% guaranteed success plan for becoming a struggling artist.
To start, always wear clothes covered in paint. Buy really nice clean clothes, and then paint your clothes to make it look like an accident. This will give you street cred and establish yourself as an artist. The more paint on your clothes, the more serious people will take you. In addition, the messier and more disorganized your life is in general, the even more serious people will take you.
The next step to becoming a successful struggling artist is to spend all your money on art supplies never on rent and food. “When I become huge, necessities like rent and food won’t matter anymore, so they shouldn’t matter now,” one struggling artist said.
In order to excel at this job you must be socially awkward. This step is essential. Every time you think you are about to make a sale, you must say or do something to ruin it. The less you’re good at talking to people, the better struggling artist you’ll be.
Lastly, you must lock yourself in your studio apartment (the obvious and most popular choice of housing for a struggling artist) and not come out until you’ve created the next big masterpiece. Everyone knows that the best inspiration to create the next Mona Lisa or Starry Night can only be found in the dark, lonely, paint-fume-filled rooms of your apartment!