The Presidential Race: 2020

Jacob Hepp, Backpage Editor

The year 2020 is just around the corner, and the new presidential candidates are getting ready to fight for your vote. There’s something special about these candidates—they’re all Liberty teachers! Here at the Backpage, we love all things politics, so we’ve contacted all the candidates and have received their first acts if they become president. Find which of these candidates suits you best!

Meghan Zompson

As president, my first action in this position of power will be to marry the one and only man for me—Bradley Cooper. I will make sure that those who ask dumb questions will be publicly executed—dumb questions are NOT tolerated. We will play Spanish music 24/7, especially that of Selena Quintanilla (rest in peace), whose portrait will be hung in every home. Porta-potties will be completely abolished, and grade A restrooms will be built everywhere. There must be an iced coffee stand on every corner. It will become socially acceptable to put dry shampoo in your hair while teaching class. Finally, all of those trashy shows like Bachelorette must be replaced with telenovelas.

Peter Murtz

I believe that I would make a wonderful President of the United States of America. In my studies at Boise State University for my Bachelor’s degree in Secondary Education/History, at the University of Manchester for my Master’s in History, the British School in Rome and at the University of Houston, I found myself and learned that I could run for president. I also got study and travel fellowships from Brown University, Rice University, Goethe Institute, Fund for Teachers, and the World Affairs Council, and travelled all over the world experiencing different cultures and governments, learning along the way how to better prepare myself to become the next President of the United States of America.


Why should I be the President of the United States of America? I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of BIZKNO. The pursuit of BIZKNO is the most important aspect of every Americans’ lives, and the best way to gain the BIZKNO is going to school. It is too boring, so I’m going to make it a party—a knowledge party. All conversations will start with a question, for it is not the answer that enlightens, but the question—this will come in handy when we’re getting BIZKNO. Really, life is all about finding the BIZKNO, and in order to do that we need to come together as one nation, indivisible, with liberty and BIZKNO for all.

Mark Spuchli

As your next president, my first step will be to change every “f” to a “ph.” The entire US budget will be rephocused in a better direction—scientiphic research. No more majoring in humanities.University of Washington? More like Washington Institute of Technology. Right!? Right!? As part of an ephort to improve national health, all school lunches will include chia seeds. This country is going to have an economic velocity oph large magnitude in the positive direction. We’re going to do extensive amounts of research into every single decision we will make—ever. Should I sign that bill? A particle collision experiment will tell. Saddle up cheeseballs—this pony is gonna be your next president!

Angie Uzich

As  president, I will use executive action to fight overpopulation in our classrooms—I mean cities—I mean classrooms. My rivals will become my slaves—starting with Mr. Hall. Just keep in mind that I accept bribes in chocolate… but NOT dark chocolate. As part of a plan to win international competition to end hunger, tax credit will be given for canned food donations. Dented cans will raise your taxes, though. The homeless will never run out of enough to eat, enough canned food that is. We like to give back to everyone in America, starting with those that need it the most. Prepare your angle-side-sides, because I’m going to change this country for the better.