Backpage Cookbook

You’re too lazy throughout the year to actually bother learning to cook anything. And now, as AP week rolls around and you’ve locked yourself in your room with nothing but textbooks and self-loathing, what are you to do? You’ve got to eat something. Let the Backpage Cookbook lower you a rope.

“Better-than-nothing” Brew


3 cups cream
2 lbs of butter
The tub of ice cream in the back of the freezer
1 tsp tears
A dash of lead paint chips
Large textbook
Time you’ll never get back
Assurance from your parents that you’re special and unique
Your GPA
Hopes and dreams


Mix together in a large bowl.
Procrastinate on Netflix for a while.
Isn’t there a new season of Kimmy Schmidt that needs watching?
Just procrastinate—kill time.
Don’t think.
Season with unopened AP Test Prep books and strands of hair you pulled out realizing that the test is in less than two weeks.