First look at new alien research

Paige Hopkins, Backpage Editor

Fellow Patriots! For those who may not know, the Issaquah School Board is currently considering approving a $500 million bond for the Issaquah School District. They claim money is “needed” to build a “4th high school” because the number of students in the district is “increasing.”
We know. Suspicious.
In an effort to uncover the truth in this web of lies, Backpage conducted an investigation to discover the truth about what this money is really for. And our suspicions were quickly confirmed. Our sources revealed that the talk of a new school was merely a cover-up to prevent the public from finding out what the district is really building: a massive alien research center, dedicated entirely to the study of extraterrestrial beings.
The district is likely funding this new alien research center in response to growing student concerns over an alien invasion. Many believe it’s no longer a question of if, but when. Several Patriots, when told about the new development, expressed relief that the district was taking steps to deal with the impending invasion.
“I’ve lost so much sleep worrying about aliens invading Earth. I’d really like to get back to losing sleep from binge-watching TV shows,” Kowch P. Otato said.
The new center will be buried five miles underground in a secret location, and only accessible to those who know the secret password, which is, of course:cheesballs.
To ensure excellent human and alien communication, there will also be interpreters who can converse in multiple alien languages. The district currently is, however, struggling to find someone with the ability to converse in even one alien language.
Some of the students we talked to were extremely excited about the possibility of an alien research center. Many of them believed that aliens have already reached Earth.
“Aliens? Oh yeah they’re already here. Why, just last week I saw an alien spaceship down by the field,” Gull Able said. “I mean, now that you mention it, it did look a lot like a car… but it was probably a spaceship.”
Other students we interviewed claimed that aliens have already infiltrated human society, and are walking among us. It’s highly probable that they may even be among us Patriots.
“I know for a fact aliens have been at Liberty for years, in disguise, just slowly gathering strength to take over. One was planted on the staff decades ago, and has been disguising himself as a science teacher named Mac Zuchli,” Suss Pishus said.
Even Liberty’s ever-wise principal, Osh Jalmy, recognized the importance of building the center for alien research. He wants to ensure that Liberty High School graduates are more prepared than any other students in the country to deal with the growing threat of an extraterrestrial invasion.
“Aliens are most certainly among us. While it pains me to say, you shouldn’t trust anyone. Not friends, teachers or even pets,” Osh Jalmy said. “In fact, I’m still not entirely sure I’m not an alien.”