Ca-ching, ca-chow, ca-choo: Bill Nye is that you?

Lorrin Johnson, Editor-in-Chief

Long have we wondered what may lie past the lab tables in Liberty’s science classrooms…But few have dared to venture beyond the safety net of the familiar “No Monkey Business” posters and overwhelmingly large periodic table canvases.
Luckily, the brave staff at Backpage has taken matters in to its own hands. Through previously ascertained wisdom and a bit of investigative reporting, Backpage now brings to you the true uses of the infamous back-of-the-classroom science dungeon.
Spookli’s Superior Race
Perhaps you’ve been distracted by your GIPer experiment by what sounds like the faint whimper of an infant Spookli. Or maybe the reason you got that D+ on your last physics test is because you were distracted by the overwhelming scent of test-tube fetuses.
Well, all of your suspicions about a Brave-New-World-style human factory in the back of room 4211 are true; Spookli’s superior race is coming to fruition as we approach the winter months.
For years, Spookli has poured his time, energy, and peppermint tea into manufacturing the “perfect” race of “humans.” Beginning with little more than a pile of old-school Liberty beams, Spookli’s hard work is finally paying off.
Indeed, a legion of small, bald-headed beings—fueled by cheeseballs— is soon to be let loose upon the halls of Liberty. The race can be identified by not only their shiny, round heads, but by their goatees and ear-piercing cackles.
Rumor has it that Spookli’s first task for his legion is to besiege the Issaquah School District building and immediately eradicate the A Day/ B Day schedule that is at the source of all of our woes.
Sir Veeney’s Giant Beanstalk
If you’ve ever stepped foot into Sir Veeney’s science classroom, you’ve noticed his collection of “experiments” he keeps in the back corner. Slug habitats, cacti, elodea… Surely this man has a knack for nature. Little did we know, Sir Veeney is housing a project of a much larger scale in the dungeon.
Just across from Spookli’s test tube baby collection lies the unthinkable: a single enormous bean stalk.
Now, this bean stalk isn’t quite like what we’ve seen in such fictional tales as Jack and the Giant Beanstalk. This bean stalk has been produced by science, not magic; a genetically modified bean seed coupled with good ole’ photosynthesis produced this bad boy.
The most intriguing part about this beanstalk, you ask? Sir Veeney is planning on using his sturdy bean stalk to access the biology teacher promised land: a glorious cloud-land filled with nude rats and giant slugs.
Apparently being an AP Biology teacher is just a side job.
Bill Nye’s Lair
Although Spookli’s superior race and Sir Veeney’s giant beanstalk may have seemed predictable, the last Backpage discovery was never to be hypothesized.
You’ve all heard that Bill Nye lives in Seattle, right? Well, he actually lives in the back of the science dungeon, where he rules silently but strongly. His lavish throne is surrounded by the failed lab reports of all those whom have futile in abiding by his “science rules.”
All of our beloved science teachers are simply slaves of the supreme ruler: Bill Nye the Science Guy.
It’s all starting to make sense now, isn’t it? All those times you were forced to write on a “baby blue” or to wear atrocious goggles even though the only materials being used in the lab were salt and water… The supreme ruler dictated it all.
So the next time you want to stare blankly off into space as your teacher discusses membrane transport or depolarization of a cell, remember that he is watching.