How to (Attempt) to Survive the New SAT

Paige Hopkins, Backpage Editor

Coming this March, the SAT we know and love is undergoing massive changes. While these changes will undoubtedly frighten the rest of the nation, LHS Patriots need not worry because Backpage has a step-by-step guide to walk you through this new test, expected to last a minimum of 420 hours.
The first stage of the test will be fairly basic—with a multiple choice portion focusing on math, reading and writing skills, and an optional essay. After all, who can’t sit for 5 hours and take a test full of obscure vocabulary words and geometry problems you learned 3 years ago?
Immediately following your completion of this stage, you will be herded out of the room, walked briskly to the launch pads, and will begin stage two: Desert Survival. You’ll be dropped from a helicopter over a desert (bringing a parachute is optional, but highly recommended). Given a space blanket, a box of matches and a beach ball, you must survive for three days and three nights.
You can receive bonus points for eating at least two desert animals, and anyone who can figure out how to survive without consuming any water at all, will automatically be considered a National Merit Scholarship contender. Points will, however, be deducted for drinking your own pee.
At the end of three days, if you’re still standing, you will be quickly shuttled off to stage three: Aquatic Challenge. You’ll be given twenty minutes to assemble a raft out of foam noodles, then sent out to sea. Much like the previous stage, you’ll be supplied with everything the College Board has deemed necessary to survive: in this case, a particularly pointy stick.
This challenge varies in length, as it lasts until the student washes up on shore (if they ever do). Learning to catch fish, collect rainwater and battle sea monsters will prove to be critical skills for this portion. It is also highly encouraged that students be able to hold their breath for a minimum of seven minutes, as experts have expressed concern about the durability of the rafts.
Once the remaining students have finished stage three you will begin the final phase of the SAT: The Jungle. You’ll be dropped off in a tropical jungle in South America, armed only with a pocketknife and a single sock and expected to survive for a week.
You are strictly forbidden from seeking civilization. Rather, in the spirit of a holistic education, students are highly encouraged to take full advantage of the natural wildlife within the jungle. For example, one may move from place to place by swinging off the branches of trees. What’s more, students with the ability to infiltrate, become a part of, and eventually lead a pack of wolves, a pride of lions, or even a particularly menacing group of sloths, are expected to be highly competitive on this year’s SAT’s.
So there you have it Patriots. While daunting at first, a closer look reveals that, at the heart of it, the new SAT really isn’t difficult. It all comes down to the simple matter of survival.
May the odds be ever in your favor.