Top tips for a top date

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

Tips for Guys

  • On the first date, take her to “Fifty Shades of Grey”
  • Draw her in with your natural scent by not showering for a week.
  • Introduce her to your imaginary friend, Karl.
  • Swipe right on every girl that comes up on Tinder.
  • Buy her Red Bull so she has the energy to put up with your shenanigans.
  • Respond only to “Bae”.
  • Compare her to the best features of your ex. She won’t mind.
  • If you get nervous, bail.
  • Make her pay the bill to assert dominance.

Tips for Girls

  • Buy him a box of Carnation’s Breakfast Essentials.
  • Remember: no matter how long ago it was, every guy is still in love with his ex.
  • Respond only to “Bae.”
  • Get a tattoo of his face on your back.
  • Monitor all of his social media accounts.
  • If he does something you don’t like, tell his mom.
  • Appropriate nicknames for him include “Bunny Muffin,” “Sugar Dumpling” or “My Squishy Gummy Bear.”
  • If he doesn’t get you a pumpkin spice latte on the first date, he isn’t worth your time.
  • Proclaim every song as your song.
  • Never let him out of your sight. Ever.
  • If he has never been to jail, he is not enough of a “bad boy.”
  • Compose daily epics about your love and share them Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram. Tag him in every one.
  • If he says he is texting his mom, it is probably another woman.