Secretly lonely Valentine’s Day kid

Jordan Carlson and Connor Cherry

As Valentine’s Day decorations began to pop up—the cheap heart-shaped balloons, the demonic stuffed bears, the sickly sweet chocolates—you scoff. Valentine’s Day? Puh-leease. It’s a holiday made to torture the world by forcing us to look at tacky gifts.

When you see couples holding hands, you roll your eyes. “Thank God I’m not in a relationship,” you boast to your friends. As a single, you answer to no one. You’re a lone ranger. A free spirit. Those suckers in relationships will be spending their entire Valentine’s Day waiting hand and foot on someone. Yes, having absolutely no one in your life is much better.

Later, after burning through all of your “single” activities—watching rom-coms with your parents, literally watching paint dry, and Facebooking stalking your lab partner, who you definitely do NOT have a crush on—doubts start to set in. Would it really be so bad to be in a relationship? Wait, yes! Don’t fall prey to the Valentine’s Day insanity! Remember, freedom! Independence! The ability to roll in a pile of garbage if you want to because you answer to no one!

But, as Valentine’s Day draws to a close, you start to rethink the glory of the single life. As you sit on the couch, holding your dog close—even as he squirms to escape your death grip—it dawns on you why the acronym for Singles Awareness Day is SAD. Secretly Lonely Valentine’s Day Kid, you’re one of us.