Forum for student expression since 1977

The Patriot Press

Forum for student expression since 1977

The Patriot Press

Forum for student expression since 1977

The Patriot Press


School Delayed in response to COVID-19 until April 24


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    Portable temples of wonder

    Because half the school is gone—either the result a massive archaeological dig to help Mr. Kurtz to find his beard, or a wild stampede of water buffalo (oh wait, we don’t have a pool)—we now only have one respectable bathroom option: the portables.

    Because of the destruction of the legendary band bathroom, these bathrooms have a near monopoly of our sanitary needs, the vinyl vacation homes becoming the only choice for any self-respecting Patriot. However, with the new PAC building having been built, the formerly uncontested kings have been the subject of controversy on their necessity at Liberty. In retaliation to such accusations, many supporters have gone to extreme measures to ensure the safety and relevance of their home-away-from-class.

    “I went to Bath and Body Works, and bought 50 different scented candles and lit them all at once to ensure it’s the best smelling and most Instagrammable location outside of Starbucks,” possible arsonist, junior Nottaselfieif I. Havcofee said to the press shortly before passing out due to incense inhalation.

    It is this kind of blind dedication to obliterating the opposition that has turned Liberty into two factions, where rising violence and fights have rocked the community to the core:

    “I normally eat lunch in the stall because it’s so clean and spotless, but now the line of protesters outside the doors has made it impossible for me to even enter, let alone eat my cheese zombie on a porcelain throne,” freshman Noh Phrends Aneewa said.

    But due to the rising animosity and violence between the two groups, it is rumored that the district is actually building a missile silo in the construction zone to force a peaceful conclusion to be reached:

    “This deadly rocket (2nd hand from Issaquah’s NASA program) will only be launched if the two factions can not reach a peaceful agreement before the first meeting of Skyline’s Knitting Club—because we only have so many resources,” Spokesman Cumplete Lee Brybabel said in an interview from his recently purchased yacht.

    So enjoy it while you can Patriots, because the days of having dividers between the urinals and occasional paper towel rolls in the dispensers are short lived, but the life-long memories are not. While we may still connect to each other through haphazardly hazing helpless Hazen and wondering what Officer Montalvo and Mr. Almy do all day, we will always remember those chateaus of serenity that we escaped to during math or physics. And as for the missile, we can just target the genetic facility where Bellevue spawns their football players.