Trust me… I’m a doctor

Alex Bruck

Liberty’s only male nurse Catt Mampbell has discovered possibly the most deadly virus to hit Liberty since senioritis.

“Besides the obvious strange musical addiction to 2 Chainz, the students have been contracting a serious and deadly case of the bird flu,” Mampbell quietly whispered with fear.

The symptoms of this deadly disease are obvious: they begin with the social insecurity of Facebook, the notion that you are no longer “cool” with your outdated social media. Then the tweeting begins. It starts as a small squeak only heard in a silent classroom and quickly covered by an embarrassed hand. Then it swiftly becomes a serious affliction, escalating to the irritating squawk that permeates the background noise of Liberty.

When the squawking begins there is absolutely no way to stop it.

“I caught the flu at my friend’s house, and ever since I can’t think of anything else,” Ima Donefore attempted to say in between mouthfuls of chicken feed.

After this unbearable onslaught, the worst begins: the final stage of this awful disease causes the infected begin to use hash tags whenever not tweeting or eating from sacks of chicken feed (another symptom).

“It hurts my ears and causes my rolling backpack to run into the wall,” senior Doe Tapper said between reading quotes from “Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul”. This kind of disruption to the learning environment will not be tolerated and the aimless running around of the infected only adds to the need for a cure.

As desperate as a cure is though, we must not chicken out and stop coming to school altogether.

“This an epidemic more contagious than the black death, more deadly than senioritis, and more terrifying than girls,” Nurse Mampbell shakily divulged to the press.