District to implement one-period-a-day schedule next year

We all know change is just around the corner, and no it’s not puberty this time. It is worse, much worse than that Godzilla zit that planted itself on your nose in 7th grade. This is the breaking news that next year we will have one period a day, with all classes condensed into one big room that is currently being constructed in the former commons area.

“I think that this will be a positive learning environment; after all we are a ‘Patriot family’, and look how Tom Sawyer turned out!” senior Mary Jane said.

Dismiss all of the ridiculous talk that “this is the 21st century”, “we actually have the funds to run a real school”, or “nobody will learn anything in a single room with the whole student body”; this is a dangerous idea because we all know where the saved money is really going: the district’s funding of a NASA space station for Skyline High School to “view physics in action and hopefully make a colony on the moon where we can laugh from behind a telescope looking at the pitiful earthlings of Liberty”.

But however the extra money is being used, this is no ordinary 1800’s schoolhouse: we will be having a P day, B day, O day, D day N day, F day, and a U day. Then every other week we will reverse the schedule, and every 4 weeks run a L, A, X, C, E, M, G schedule to mix things up. Every Tuesday and Thursday school will start at 5 p.m., and the schedule will continue to run it’s course through the breaks even though the students will not be attending. Additionally, if a Monday falls on a full moon it’s an automatic reversal of the schedule unless within 60 days of a leap year.

Although this may sound confusing to some (mostly freshman), the schedule will not be on the website and planners will not be allowed, so worry not. And next time you’re sitting in English desperately wishing you were on a beach eating bonbons with your grandma, take a moment, quit wishing for that zit to go away, and soak in the liberties of being a Patriot.