Zayn Malik chooses a new direction

Joel Tinseth and Megan So

There is no question that we live in a world that is in a delicate balance between order and chaos; we’ve seen the makings for war brewing in the Middle East, an economic recession still biting at our feet, and a divided government that is unable to amend any of these problems.
But the final blow to our cherished way of life came this March when Zayn Malik left One Direction. Chaos. Rioting. Destruction. Comparable to the Rapture? Perhaps. Maybe even worse. Either way, Malik’s departure from the divine boy band has thrown the world into reckless abandon.
Since the falling-out, women worldwide have reported thousands of cases of not-being-able-to-even, and men everywhere have had an increasingly difficult time finding a fashion benchmark to copy.
Riots have emerged in Fergysin, a neighboring city to Malik’s hometown, as citizens are unable to come to terms with the grueling reality of the situation. Other cities are having a difficult time controlling the teenage girl death pacts that have been executed as a result of Malik’s departure.
“I heard about the news through my girlfriend, who hasn’t come out of her room for about a month now,” local Fergysin resident Vanda Lizer said. “I wanted to make her feel better, so I went down to the Best Buy with hopes to pick up a new TV, but ended up just stealing it because my emotional distress impaired my judgment too much.”
“We have had people pouring into the emergency room,” Doctor Mahl Praktis said. “Cases have ranged from mental meltdowns, spontaneous stress-related dismemberment or combustion, and critical cases of the inability to even.”
In lieu of the pseudo-rapture, Congress has shut down all non-essential programs such as schools, common law enforcement, and utilities in order to better handle the pop culture catastrophe. Congress has also frugally spent an estimated thirteen-trillion dollars on military equipment in anticipation of any sort of armed conflict.
Though our government’s attempts to remedy the situation have certainly been laudable, they have ultimately fallen short. The responsibility, therefore, has fallen in our hands. Do your part: commit arson. Steal a television set. Attack a police officer. Go five over the speed limit. Talk to strangers. Run with scissors.
In the face of such a catastrophe, we need to act quickly and decisively. These have been deemed the only reasonable actions that can be taken. Dear reader, take action.