Caffeine: the porter of our potential

Joel Tinseth, The Beat Editor

After a long day of stuff-doing, your worst fears as a prestigious and hardworking student come true: a night full of more stuff-doing. Piles of assignments surround you as you are entombed by textbooks and lab reports. Just when you are about to give up hope and softly kiss your immaculate academic history goodbye, you look up to see that blue and silver can of salvation kindly looking down you, and you know that you’re going to be okay.

After cracking open that sweet can of righteousness and gulping down a tidal force of B-vitamins and caffeine, your eyes pry themselves open and your mind is as free as the citizens of North Korea aren’t. Finally enabled to fully visualize sound waves, you get to work with the mechanical efficiency of a hamann-tuned BMW m6.

As the beautiful carbon-based molecules coarse through your veins, you get to work in a way that only caffeine can permit you to do. Nothing else can grant so many benefits with so few adverse health effects. After sending I mumbled thank you to the heavens for crafting such a euphoric substance, you get to work.

Math homework? Done. English homework? Done. Done well? Eh, it’s done. Physics homework? All done. This article? Almost done.

I am thankful for the crystalline xanthine alkaloid that is caffeine and all of its enabling qualities. Without it, I would not be where I am today. Never before has so much opportunity and potential been crammed into such an ergonomic and overpriced can. From coffee to Red Bull, caffeine does what other psychoactive drugs just can’t… legally.