“What am I going to do this summer?” asks every breathing high school student across the country. Meticulously crafting the perfect “Summer Bucket List 2k14”, never forgetting to mention, “Have perfect, cliché, summer romance” and “Become famous from doing absolutely nothing”.

Lucky for you all, I have the key to the perfect summer you are all so painstakingly seeking.

Before the logistics of the ideal summer can be discussed, we must first cover the basics: what to NOT do this summer.

Number one: Do not step outdoors. Washington has naively shunned the Sun for the past eight months, and now he’s back—and he’s angry.

The Sun has reached the peak of ripeness, and is ready to ruthlessly drop his rays of light right out onto your body, thus burning you alive.

Sunscreen is a pathetic excuse for protection; nothing can save you from the wrath of a sun that is only uncovered for 60 days a year.

The second obvious place to avoid, having not heeded my warning and having stepped outside (AKA sentencing yourself to death), is the water. Oceans, lakes, rivers, you name it; each body of water is waiting to H₂Obliviate you from earth.

Taking a swim in Lake Washington or heading to Chelan for the weekend may sound like a cool summer adventure to check off your bucket list, but you might as well just kick the entire bucket if that’s your idea of fun.

The list of what not to do is endless, but I’ve promised you the recipe for a summer full of fun: all you have to do is step right inside your front door.

Imagine staying inside, at a precise temperature of 68 degrees Fahrenheit, approximately ten feet away from your TV fully equipped with Netflix, surrounded with snacks, and with direct access to good Wi-Fi.

You’re welcome for having calculated the exact formula for a perfect summer—you wouldn’t have been able to do it without me.