Q: Mr. Kennedy picked up my love note… how do I tell Kennedy that it’s not for him? -Anonymous

A: Luckily, Mr. Kennedy only speaks integrals and obscure social studies facts. If your note did not consist of either, he probably gave up trying to decipher it and threw it out. No need to fret!

Q: How do I stop being awkward around my crush?  -Anonymous

A: Become a sigma male. Sigma males are independent. You won’t need your crush or their validation. Forget about them and focus on yourself. Companionship will disrupt your self-prioritization. 

Q: My girlfriend and I recently broke up, and I HATE couples! How do I get through Valentine’s Day?  -Allie VP

A: If you can’t beat them, join them. If you see PDA on Valentine’s Day, join in. If you see a cute date, crash it. Two lovers is better than one. You’ll forget about your ex in no time. 

Q: How do I get a girl to answer my texts? -Daniel F 

A: One of my favorite works of literature (“A smart girl’s guide to boys”) said that if you want someone to think about you, leave a photo of yourself in their ham sandwhich.They will be sure to respond next time.