Sugar and cornflakes: making Robert Pattinson’s sickening pasta dish
June 4, 2021
Last issue of the Patriot Press, Robert Pattinson received the award for Famous Person of the Year. He earned this honor not only for his acting accomplishments, but for his bizarre personal conquests. Every once in a while, Robert Pattinson reveals some fact about his life that never fails to shock us, and in May 2020, he broke the internet with a pasta recipe straight from Hell.
Pattinson’s GQ article gave an inside look into the actor’s projects such as Tenet and Batman, but most importantly, it introduced us to piccolini cuscino or “little pillow”: an atrocious “hand-held” pasta which Pattinson considers the next-big-thing in the fast food business. The recipe contains some outlandish ingredients, including heaps of sugar and cornflakes. And guess what? I’m about to try this monstrosity for your entertainment! Let’s get cooking.
At the grocery store, I pick up 3 packs of sliced cheddar cheese (yes, it should be 9 packs, but WHY?!), cornflakes (not “filthy” but they’ll do), “just any sauce” (I choose Ragu red sauce), sugar, hamburger buns, and pasta. Pattinson’s recipe calls for a noodle that’s “a sort of squiggly blob,” and while he cooks with penne in the interview, he says it’s “definitely not penne.” I get rotini.
Next, Pattinson boils his pasta in the microwave. I’m not sure why–maybe he’s trying to prove its “convenience?” I boil mine on the stove. As the pasta cooks, I prepare foil in a bowl shape, which he describes as a hollowed-out sphere. I dump cornflakes and sugar into the foil, layering the cheese on top. I make sure not to scrimp on any of these layers–it’s important to Pattinson. “I found after a lot of experimentation that you really need to congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese,” he says.
After pouring sauce over the layers, I dump in the pasta and place the top half of a hamburger bun on top of this mess. Now, I attempt to sear the initials “PC” into the bun as Pattinson does. It’s just a disaster. The lighter only leaves the bun extra crisp with no initials, and after way too much effort, I give up and carve it with a toothpick.
At this point, I preheat the oven to 400 degrees and wrap the dish in more foil so that it resembles its namesake: a little pillow. Pattinson doesn’t say how long it should cook for–he puts it in the microwave (Do NOT put foil in the microwave!) and blows out his electricity–thus ending the instruction. I give it about 15 minutes in the oven, or until the cheese melts.
I’m not sure how to eat this. It is in no way “hand-held,” considering the bottom layer is cornflakes and the sauce oozes out every inch. The cornflakes have gone soggy. The sugar has dissolved deep into the layers and the bun is crunchy and useless. I take a bite.
Hmm…it kind of just tastes like regular pasta. After all, the pasta, cheese, and bread aren’t too strange together. I subject myself to more mouthfuls for the sake of the article. Not good. Every bite is more dangerous; the sugar becomes much more apparent and the texture of the cornflakes gives me shivers. I feel queasy, and I’m not touching this again.
In the GQ article, the interviewer writes that he cannot tell if what he just witnessed was a bit, a piece of performance art, or totally sincere. I like to think that Pattinson really loves piccolini cuscino and cooks it all the time. Hopefully, the actor will keep making the disgusting dish in his own kitchen and leave it out of our fast food joints.
