A saucy scoop on sauces

Sofia Kovalenko, Staff Writer

They say the eyes are the windows into the soul, but that isn’t true—your favorite sauce is. Keep reading to find out what your choice of condiment says about you.

Ketchup: A timeless classic despite ruining the taste of anything it is put on. If this is your favorite, you probably just haven’t tried enough sauces or are worried about what your friends will think of you if you deviate from the group.

Mustard: A truly wonderful sauce—it fits practically every form of junk food! If you like mustard, you value practicality and think that the more exceptions a rule has, the weaker that rule is. You should take Woods Tech one semester; you’d like it. 

Mayo: This one is fun because it is very much a hit-or-miss. Mayo is either something you can eat with everything or something you get grossed out at the thought of. If this is your favorite sauce, you are the type of kid to argue with your English teacher about the morality of a book.

Tartar: While definitely better than BBQ, it tastes like a worse version of ranch. The world could do without this sauce because we already have ranch, but honestly that can be said about any sauce. If tartar is the dearest to your heart, you were probably an art kid growing up and value aesthetic over actual quality.

Ranch: Whoever invented ranch deserves their own government branch. This brilliant sauce is the definition of versatility. It fits any food you can think of, from junk foods to salads and everything in between! If this is your favorite, you are on the right track in life. You will probably get accepted into your dream school.

Fry Sauce?: A disgrace to all sauces, the name of this condiment doesn’t even deserve to be written without a question mark next to it. Why does it exist? Who even eats it? If you like this sauce, your friends probably have a second group chat without you in it.

BBQ: Similar to ketchup and fry sauce, BBQ sauce is what you should put on your food if you want it to taste bad or think the current taste can’t get any worse. If this is your favorite, you probably listen to radio music exclusively and kick small puppies when you see them.

Sriracha: Wow, what a sauce! This sauce is fire. Literally. Not only is it extremely versatile, but it doesn’t get in the way of whatever food you put it on, only adding a wonderful spicy zing. If this is your favorite, you have a brave heart and are the type of person who says  good morning to all of your teachers.

Soy Sauce: This sauce is excellent with sushi and many other dishes, but one which cannot be eaten with fries. If your heart beats for soy sauce, chances are you don’t prioritize fries enough in your life.

Gravy: A controversial sauce to say the least. In the sauce community, this Thanksgiving classic is subject to constant debate regarding some very important questions: Is it a sauce? Is it a soup? If you like this sauce, you enjoy the grey area in life, and you love staying in the comfort zone.

Worcestershire: If this was your favorite sauce, you probably grew up too fast. I am willing to bet that you spent your childhood reading up on Gertrude Stein because you weren’t allowed to watch Spongebob but haven’t had the energy to get through a book that wasn’t required for school since the seventh grade.