A dive into the complex hierarchy of bottled water brands

Sofia Kovalenko, Staff Writer

If you are alive and drink water, this article is for you! 

Although water is water, true connoisseurs will tell you that not all brands are created equal. On a scale of one to sewage, here is how our bottle brands measure up.

(1) Trader Joe’s: Apex water. Tastes like what finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow must feel like. 

(2) Kirkland: This is the bottled version of refrigerator water. It tastes like nothing, which is the way water should taste.

(3) Voss: Classy. High brow. Pretentious, but deservedly so. Attends operas in its spare time.

(4) Dasani: Your run-of-the-mill water bottle. Nothing special about the packaging or the taste, but Dasani is like the friend that is still friends with you even after you throw up at their house.

(5) Aquafina: Aquafina water is the Vans of water. It is the skater kids who don’t know what it means to ollie.

(6) Smart Water: Somehow no smart people drink this type of water. Take that as you will.

(7) Fiji: Looks better than it tastes. Phony. 

(8) Box Water: Pseudo-classy for pseudo-hipsters. A real charlatan this water is, pretending to be first-rate when the only first-rate thing about it is the packaging. You are paying for the box, not the water.

(9) Pure life: Probably just tap water. Don’t pay for this; you might as well go lap water out of the toilet.

(10) (Sewage) Evian: The worst water. It tastes like the bottles are filled up with hose water that gives kids tetanus. If water could be stale or rotten, it would taste like Evian.