Desperate for heightened security, admin resorts to illegal cloning experimentation

Elise Sickinger, Backpage Editor

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NHave you ever felt like you’re being watched? Us too. That’s exactly the feeling that junior Ijewel Atskuul had when he came to The Bugle two weeks ago.
“I thought it might have just been a hallucination from all the sick headies I was getting,” Atskuul said. “But there’s no doubt about it—I made eye contact with at least two different Kinsleys in the back lot. I was so freaked I nearly dropped my new dab carts.”
This sighting, and many more, has sparked a wave of conspiracy speculation amongst a student body that usually isn’t even capable of labeling sandwiches correctly. Yet, the idea of an army of Jon Kinsleys standing between people and their Ezell’s has created a near biblical call to action.
The Bugle, of course, made it our righteous mission to uncover these heinous happenings. What did we find? A sickeningly despicable laboratory hidden in the bowls of Mark Buchli’s classroom.
“We always knew it was going to be impossible for Kinsley to watch everyone,” sophomore Fayling Stewdunt said. “But we never thought administration would resort to this.”
We here at The Backpage Bugle have come to the well-calculated, not-at-all-hasty conclusion that ISD administration (stretched thin in the security department) has charged Buchli with the task of illegal experimentation on human stem cells, in an effort to clone Kinsley for increased security patrols.
While our scientific evidence may not be entirely accurate (whose is these days?), the passion behind the investigation was real. Further speculation has lead us to believe that, additionally, the KCCs—Kinsley Copy-Cats—may also be products of genetic engineering. The KCCs that have been sighted reportedly demonstrate super strength and speed. No laser eyes have been documented, despite the KCC’s reportedly “penetrating” gaze (Ijewel Atskuul). By no means is our investigation complete; we will continue to seek evils wherever they lurk (mostly in the boys’ bathroom). In the meantime, rest assured that the KCCs mean you no harm: they come in peace, and their heightened abilities will allow them to defend us from any campus threats (in the event that one figures out how to get through the locked doors).

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