A Backpage Guide to surviving Black Friday

Black Friday— the day after Thanksgiving, when Americans forget what they are thankful for, and engage in a Battle Royale over the last $50 anti-fatigue mat.

Once a year, the celebration of cheap merchandise and mass consumerism, about which we Americans obsess, finally becomes a reality— for an entire 24 hours! Here at the BackPage, we want to make sure you are prepared to combat the villains of Black Friday. But in order to ‘go pro’, one must first learn the Black Friday Call.

Yo ho yo ho, off to Target we go,
Hi ho hi ho, running out of
money you know,
Don’t shudder, don’t flutter, don’t be afraid you can’t afford butter.
It’s all a game in this nation’s fame, to mass produce inflation, putting your wallet to shame.
Yo ho yo ho, Black Friday, we love you,
Hi ho hi ho, my bank account’s equivalent to ze-ro.

To offensively tackle Walmart, you will need to evade the Walmart Warriors. In order to do this you will need to stock up on printer paper and “legally” forge 1000, 50%-off coupons. When moving towards your favorite department simply fake-trip, drop a handful of coupons and shout “Oh no, my coupons!” Then watch as the frenzy of discount-thirsty maniacs go crazy, giving you just enough time to get your products.

The more difficult and engaging opponents flock to JCPenny, where they are commonly known as the fierce JCPenny Jousting Club. Individuals unprepared to face these foul creatures may contract a condition known as Post Traumatic Discount Evasion Disorder. One symptom is the inability to purchase a product at discounted price ever again. Effective methods known to repel such nonsense include crop dusting, obnoxious yelling, “Friendly” gestures, line-dancing, slowly walking, offering help for free, and the unnecessary removal of pants.

Finally, if you find yourself approaching the SouthCenter mall, steer clear of the SouthCenter Savage. Sightings of such a monstrosity are rare except on Black Friday. All victims of this character’s shenanigans refused to tell their tales due to the traumatizing experience. However, we at the BackPage were able to acquire classified video surveillance from the SouthCenter mall cop. Video evidence revealed excessive amounts of debauchery such as nitrous-powered shopping carts racing down the corridors of SouthCenter while the underground society of Mall Marauders charges around stores knocking products out of people’s hands, stealing coupons, degrading self-confidence, and conducting various amounts of inappropriate gestures. SouthCenter mall: the official hellhole of Black Friday shopping. Enter at your own risk.

Some last minute tips: Firstly, wear baggy pants for stealthy storage of a night stick or baseball bat in case of offensive combat. Secondly, wear steel-toed boots for maximum protection during door-busters. Also, don’t forget to bring military grade Kevlar vests to protect from Redneck Rampages and back-stabbers.

Failure to follow these guidelines may result in, but are not limited to: muscle soreness, cramping, bankruptcy, fatigue, broken bones, and an unnatural dependency on fat cakes.