Squid Game: the Korean Netflix original series that has the world in tears–especially me. I binged the 485-minute long show in two days, which has to be unhealthy, but what can I say? Saebyeok and Junho had me hooked. 

Like many others, I kept wondering to myself if I’d be able to survive the games. So without further ado, let’s begin my analysis of whether I’d win the games or not.

First of all, my background. I’m guessing you have to be an adult to compete because there were no children, so suddenly I’m 24, simply because I like that number. Additionally, I’m currently–and thankfully– not billions of Korean won in debt right now. Realistically, the reason would probably be because I spent all my money on food and stationery, but that’s boring. Instead, let’s say that as a child, I was gifted beyond words. Everyone believed I would become insanely successful, but then I went through a midlife crisis at the age of 20 and became addicted to buying lottery tickets, becoming a black hole for debt. Tragic.

With that sorted out, let’s move onto the true plot of the show: the games. 

CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD 

Red Light Green Light

The first game, Red Light Green Light, would be a breeze; at least I think it would. I don’t know if it’s my hindsight bias speaking, but when the doll turns around, just stay still. I know the rules. I’m good at being a statue. I’m sure the gunshots wouldn’t faze me. Next game. Dying likelihood: 0.5/10.

Dalgona Game

The honeycomb candy chipping game would definitely kill me. My anxiety would have me shaking uncontrollably. I wouldn’t even be able to hold the needle properly. Seriously, people are just dropping like flies while I try to carve a shape out of its sugar prison. But then again, I like to think of myself as a very persistent person, so who knows? Dying likelihood: 9.8/10.

Marble Game

If by some miraculous event, I got my anxiety-ridden self together and survived the candy game, then I’d surely lose during the marble game, since only one person in each pair can live. I think I’d probably play a game that’s based less on chance and more on ability, like Deok-su or Saebyeok. This way, it’d be easier to pull a Ji-yeong and give up. Unlike that Sangwoo snake, I’d rather give up my life than my humanity. My conscience constantly overwhelms me, and the idea of sacrificing someone else’s life in order to move on would just be too much. Even now, just thinking about it, the guilt that comes with the marble game would honestly probably kill me before anything else. Dying likelihood: 9.99/10.

So, here lies Elizabeth Yan. Once a renowned child genius, she now sits in an incinerator, waiting to be burned to ash. 

In the end, I feel like I could never obtain the cash prize, but at least I get to be with Saebyeok and Ji-yeong. On second thought, maybe I am the real winner.