The Patriot Press

Valentine pick up lines

Connor Cherry, Backpage Editor

April 30, 2015

Filed under The Artichoke, The Crazy Corner

Are you a Red Bull? Because I would gladly waste my money on you. Good thing I brought my library card ‘cause I’m checking you out. Are you the Ukraine? because I’m going to illegally annex your land. Do you have...

Senioritis plagues students across the U.S.

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

April 30, 2015

Filed under The Artichoke

13 years of school, 12 hours of studying, 11 days per week, 10 fingers per person, 9 months of school, 8 class periods, 7 is a lucky number, 6 pics of homework answers, 5 cans of Red Bull, 4 comfy bed sheets, 3 sports seasons,...

Top tips for a top date

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

April 30, 2015

Filed under The Artichoke

Tips for Guys On the first date, take her to “Fifty Shades of Grey" Draw her in with your natural scent by not showering for a week. Introduce her to your imaginary friend, Karl. Swipe right on every girl that com...

Me Monster kid

November 26, 2014

Filed under Backpage Profile, The Artichoke

After another long weekend of the usual shenanigans, Monday rolls into town again. The alarm goes off, springing into action the morning routine that we are all accustomed to by now. You drive to school ready to regale your friends...

Can’t Even kid

November 26, 2014

Filed under Backpage Profile, The Artichoke

Monday: your weekly break from a straight 48-hours of weekend Tumblr-prowling and watching Youtube make-up tutorials. You wake up to the buzz of your alarm—it’s four AM. Getting up before the crack of dawn is a small sacrifice...

A Backpage Guide to surviving Black Friday

November 26, 2014

Filed under The Artichoke

Black Friday— the day after Thanksgiving, when Americans forget what they are thankful for, and engage in a Battle Royale over the last $50 anti-fatigue mat. Once a year, the celebration of cheap merchandise and mass consumerism,...

Fact Fortress

November 26, 2014

Filed under The Artichoke, The Crazy Corner

The Guinness Book of Records was originally published by Guinness Breweries as a reference for settling bar arguments. A high school played Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’ as a fundraiser between classes. Students had to pay to...

Helpless Homecoming Kid

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

October 30, 2014

Filed under Backpage Profile, The Artichoke

Homecoming, a night of over-anticipated thrills let down by the fact that you are spending way too much money on an outfit you’ll only wear once. But hey, you got the flowers, you got the date, and your parents’ manual 330...

Fly Assassin

Drew Brady, Senior Writer

October 30, 2014

Filed under Backpage Profile, The Artichoke

You hold one belief in common with Hamlet, Romeo, and almost every other Shakespearean character: if you wait too long to act, you end up dead around the corpses of your loved ones. Your call to action came one day when you...

Ode to My Lost Love

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

October 30, 2014

Filed under The Artichoke

Pizza sauce was red our Gatorade was blue my wallet always empty buying stuff from you Hardcore whole grain everything tastes the same my teeth writhing in pain This food is a pile of sh—ame Sugarless sustenance...

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