The Patriot Press

Can’t Even kid

November 26, 2014

Monday: your weekly break from a straight 48-hours of weekend Tumblr-prowling and watching Youtube make-up tutorials. You wake up to the buzz of your alarm—it’s four AM. Getting up before the crack of dawn is a small sacrifice to pay in order to submit your luscious locks to a thorough frying. After...

Helpless Homecoming Kid

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

October 30, 2014

Homecoming, a night of over-anticipated thrills let down by the fact that you are spending way too much money on an outfit you’ll only wear once. But hey, you got the flowers, you got the date, and your parents’ manual 330 horsepower Audi S5. Too bad Dad is driving. Nevertheless, you get to her...

Fly Assassin

Drew Brady, Senior Writer

October 30, 2014

You hold one belief in common with Hamlet, Romeo, and almost every other Shakespearean character: if you wait too long to act, you end up dead around the corpses of your loved ones. Your call to action came one day when you were telling people how disgusting you think hunting is, and how awful it...

“I’m an adult!” kid

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

September 3, 2014

With your senior year comes the legendary eighteenth birthday, a day in which over-celebrating becomes the norm. The day arrives that you’ve long awaited, and you can now say, with unquenchable pride-"I’m an adult!" Your new lifestyle ignites with legalities you never thought you could experience...

Bathroom Vandal Kid

Connor Cherry, Backpage Editor

September 3, 2014

Another day, another boring math lesson. Sitting in class pondering the lessons learned from Wolf of Wall Street, you heed nature’s call and you head off to the oasis that is the portable bathrooms in the concrete jungles of portable city. When you enter the temple, you remember that your friend re...

Social Media Justice Kid

Galen Posch, Online Editor

May 6, 2014

As you sift through your Facebook feed, you ignore the random inspirational quotes, pass over the selfies, and snub your fellow ailing student asking for advice on the Honors English group page. Only one thing can rouse you from your social media silence. It’s only when you see some cowardly wretch...

Easy College Elitist Kid

Galen Posch, Online Editor

May 6, 2014

You’ve waited for five excruciating months, and finally, your moment of grace has arrived. The letter you hold in your hand will decide your fate, and by extension, the fate of the universe. Here, you will find out whether the effort put into filling out your application (no essay required of course...

Offensive Driver Kid

February 26, 2014

He blows by you on Cemetery Road going 90-plus only when Deputy Montalvo is conveniently out of sight. When you pull into your parking space in the morning, you find him parked not inches, but entire feet over the freshly-striped white line that divides your spot from his. As you crawl out of your pass...

Overly Hipster Kid

February 26, 2014

You see them walking down the hallways with their Goodwill ugly sweaters and too-tight skinny jeans. They have on their headphones listening to an underground Scottish indie band that you have never heard of. When questioned about their liking of The Killers they will defend to no end that they liked th...

Over-the-top-DECA-Kid

December 10, 2013

Your second year of DECA now begins. G has now chosen you, yes you, to work in the infamous DECA Store. Your long awaited dream is finally smacking you upside your head. Your   expression has now exploded into gigantic face cramping smile. To think: G and the managers find you trustworthy enough to be...

This-is-it-Senior-Kid

December 10, 2013

This is it; your senior year has finally arrived. You go through the halls knowing that this year will be your last. You suffer heavily from S.M.H.A.D.: Senior Memory Hyper-Awareness Disorder. Well-known symptoms of this condition are intense revelations that these are your last moments as a senior. Yo...

Kami Konnoisseur Kid

November 7, 2013

Junior year is finally upon you. Gone are the days of hiding in the trunk of that cool senior that lives in your neighborhood to get the goods from off campus. Your parents just bought a new BMW for your birthday and you got the coveted off campus sticker so you’re all ready to explore the plethora o...

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