The Patriot Press

Who am I? Kid

March 1, 2016

For years, you’ve gone through life with ease. Then one day in high school, your simple world is shattered—you find yourself questioning life, your future, destiny, the real purpose of Snuggies, You find yourself filled with… with so many…questions. What is the meaning of life? Do you matter?...

Overly-obsessed celeb crush kid

March 1, 2016

In the crowd, surrounded by screaming girls, you frantically cheer for Justin Bieber who is up on stage singing. Suddenly, he points at you. In front of everyone, he invites you up on stage and all of a sudden you are “One Less Lonely Girl”. Up close to Justin, you can see his chocolate brown eyes,...

Too Kool 4 Skool Kid

December 7, 2015

It’s not as if you woke up and decided to be the coolest guy around. It kinda just…happened. After all, planning ahead is for your parents. Lame. You get in your car—it’s yours, not your parents’—crank up the Kendrick and roll into school. You notice with a hint of disgust how absolutely...

Way too early for Christmas kid

December 7, 2015

You sit in your kitchen, anxiously checking the clock every half second. Once the hand flips to 12:00, signifying the official end of October, you rise in a frenzy. It’s Christmas season, baby. You rush through your house, replacing everything with Christmas-themed objects. The plain place-mats become...

The only senior in a freshman class kid

October 28, 2015

You push open the door on the first day and walk in. All activity grinds to a halt. Everyone stares at you in a stunned silence. Walking to your seat, you try to avoid eye-contact. Unfortunately this is your life for the next semester—you’re the lone senior in a class full of freshman. At first,...

Trust me on this kid

April 30, 2015

Second period Algebra 2: you walk in, Redbull in one hand, cell phone in the other. Your backpack is overflowing with blank homework papers accompanied by a Costco bag of Cheez-Its. After you copy down all the homework answers, you ask the thought-provoking question. Why are we talking about logs in...

March Madness kid

April 30, 2015

You sir, are a man on the front lines. You’re at the cutting edge of everything new, trendy—“hip.” Those socks you’re wearing? Stridelines. All the cool kids are repping their hometown. Your shoes? Nike. Your shorts? Nike. Your shirt? Nike. Your hair? If Nike made hair, you’d be wearing it....

Semester soulmate kid

Jordan Carlson and Connor Cherry

April 30, 2015

After finding the new love of your life and getting her number, courtesy of a furtive glance at your friend’s phone, it’s time to turn the suave factor up to 11. Nothing will stop you from winning her heart. You guys hit it off after discovering your shared love of Mel Gibson films. The strangest...

Secretly lonely Valentine’s Day kid

Jordan Carlson and Connor Cherry

April 30, 2015

As Valentine’s Day decorations began to pop up—the cheap heart-shaped balloons, the demonic stuffed bears, the sickly sweet chocolates—you scoff. Valentine’s Day? Puh-leease. It’s a holiday made to torture the world by forcing us to look at tacky gifts. When you see couples holding hands,...

Me Monster kid

November 26, 2014

After another long weekend of the usual shenanigans, Monday rolls into town again. The alarm goes off, springing into action the morning routine that we are all accustomed to by now. You drive to school ready to regale your friends with tales of the weekend’s adventures. The usual suspects assemble...

Can’t Even kid

November 26, 2014

Monday: your weekly break from a straight 48-hours of weekend Tumblr-prowling and watching Youtube make-up tutorials. You wake up to the buzz of your alarm—it’s four AM. Getting up before the crack of dawn is a small sacrifice to pay in order to submit your luscious locks to a thorough frying. After...

Helpless Homecoming Kid

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

October 30, 2014

Homecoming, a night of over-anticipated thrills let down by the fact that you are spending way too much money on an outfit you’ll only wear once. But hey, you got the flowers, you got the date, and your parents’ manual 330 horsepower Audi S5. Too bad Dad is driving. Nevertheless, you get to her...

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