Forum for student expression since 1977

The Patriot Press

Backpage reveals construction conspiracies

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage

While the construction era may be over, we are still feeling its effects. Many thought that with the death of the old building, the conspiracies about the truth of Liberty’s shady and mysterious past would die with it. However, we at the Backpage have uncovered the newest batch of fantastic and grotesque...

Trust me on this kid

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage, Backpage Profile

Second period Algebra 2: you walk in, Redbull in one hand, cell phone in the other. Your backpack is overflowing with blank homework papers accompanied by a Costco bag of Cheez-Its. After you copy down all the homework answers, you ask the thought-provoking question. Why are we talking about logs in...

March Madness kid

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage, Backpage Profile

You sir, are a man on the front lines. You’re at the cutting edge of everything new, trendy—“hip.” Those socks you’re wearing? Stridelines. All the cool kids are repping their hometown. Your shoes? Nike. Your shorts? Nike. Your shirt? Nike. Your hair? If Nike made hair, you’d be wearing it....

Budget breakdown

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage

With the construction budget, we could have bought: 2,483,660 orders of Ezell’s Student Special. Eight Bugatti Veyron super cars. A football team that can beat Bellevue. The deed to Safeway. 50 Million packets of Carnation’s Breakfast essentials . Hire Kanye West to play at the next...

Corny corner

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage, The Crazy Corner

One a scale of one to March Madness, how unpredictable are your emotions? What is the homework for this class? Hey girl, are you Tim Lincecum? Because you were hot in 2008. Where are the Seahawks from? Are you a .5 lead? Because ultra-fine. What type of food do they serve at Kami Teriyaki? What...

The ten commandments of thy perfect selfie

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage

I. Thou shall have no other photos before Me II. Thou shall not use rear camera III. Thou shall not cause a selfie to be lame IV. Remember the lighting and keep it holy V. Honor thou Instagram followers VI. Thou shall share thy selfie on social media VII. Thou shall practice thy selfie...

Classic movies: what society doesn’t want you to know

Jordan Carlson and Connor Cherry

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage

“Lion King” Lion King may very well be the most underappreciated cinematic piece of our generation. While certainly sporting award-winning music, flawless animation and superior voice casting, it’s the message behind the pretty lyrics and illustrations that makes it priceless. The message I’...

Semester soulmate kid

Jordan Carlson and Connor Cherry

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage, Backpage Profile

After finding the new love of your life and getting her number, courtesy of a furtive glance at your friend’s phone, it’s time to turn the suave factor up to 11. Nothing will stop you from winning her heart. You guys hit it off after discovering your shared love of Mel Gibson films. The strangest...

Secretly lonely Valentine’s Day kid

Jordan Carlson and Connor Cherry

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage, Backpage Profile

As Valentine’s Day decorations began to pop up—the cheap heart-shaped balloons, the demonic stuffed bears, the sickly sweet chocolates—you scoff. Valentine’s Day? Puh-leease. It’s a holiday made to torture the world by forcing us to look at tacky gifts. When you see couples holding hands,...

The Interview: a backpage review

Connor Cherry, Backpage Editor

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage

Dear Kim Jong Un, We at the Backpage have a bone to pick with you over the recent hacking of the Sony servers by your government. While we don’t usually mind your threats of nuclear annihilation, your nation’s recent actions have gone too far. Disrupting the American pastime of spending Christmas...

Valentine pick up lines

Connor Cherry, Backpage Editor

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage, The Crazy Corner

Are you a Red Bull? Because I would gladly waste my money on you. Good thing I brought my library card ‘cause I’m checking you out. Are you the Ukraine? because I’m going to illegally annex your land. Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call when I fall in love.

Senioritis plagues students across the U.S.

Jordan Carlson, Backpage Editor

April 30, 2015


Filed under Backpage

13 years of school, 12 hours of studying, 11 days per week, 10 fingers per person, 9 months of school, 8 class periods, 7 is a lucky number, 6 pics of homework answers, 5 cans of Red Bull, 4 comfy bed sheets, 3 sports seasons, 2 much school, and 1 bad case of Senioritis. This stealthy disease is native...

Forum for student expression since 1977