Backpage GOP Obituaries

James Ricks, Backpage Editor

Marco Antonio Rubio

Marco Rubio, 44, died March15, 2016 of starvation.
“We went on vacation and just forgot to fill his bowl before we left,” said current House speaker Paul Ryan. “We were usually pretty good at taking care of the little guy—we’d give him baths even.”
The long-time favorite lapdog of the GOP, Rubio was a favorite at local dog shows, where he often won awards for being the best groomed.
“We raised him with love and care,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell remembered between tears.
A common sight at Republican debates, he became something of a mascot for the establishment GOP, even taking an honorary podium onstage.
“He would just bark up a storm,” Ryan said. “It was almost as if he thought he was one of the candidates.”
He leaves behind his loving GOP caretakers and favorite chew toys.

Benjamin Solomon
“Ben” Carson

Ben Carson, 64, was taken off life support shortly after March 4, 2016 when doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital decided that the candidate’s coma was permanent.
“It was one of his lifetime dreams to run for president,” his tearful mother explained. “He used to dress up in suits and make speeches to his stuffed animals when he was small. It surprised us all when he went to medical school, but we always knew he’d rediscover his love of politics.”
Carson worked at Johns Hopkins Hospital performing brain surgery until two years ago when he peacefully slipped into a coma in his home at West Palm Beach, Florida.
“It really was so nice of all those big TV networks to prop him up in front of the podium at those debates,” his wife, Candy Carson said. “I just know that he would have really liked that.”

John Ellis
“Jeb” Bush

Jeb Bush, 63, died on February 20, 2016, after finally admitting to himself that he had no idea how to follow up a legacy like his brother, George’s.
“The war in Iraq, the way he’d stare dumbfounded at shiny objects—Ol’ George just had the whole president thing figured out,” he wrote in a letter to a friend. “How could I ever top that?”
Members of his family found him dead after having stuffed extra campaign funds in his mouth, evidently having found nothing better to do with the massive stacks of bills.
“It’s really too bad that he’s gone,” said fellow candidate Donald Trump. “He would have made an absolutely terrible president for sure, but what a nice guy. Jeb was just a nice guy. It’s just such a shame he’s gone now.
He leaves behind his wife and two children.

Christopher James
“Chris” Christie

Chris Christie, 53, died February 9, 2016 after selling his soul for a chance at the vice-presidency .
“He was so young,” sobbed his grieving wife. “So young.”
A longtime believer in the occult, those close to him maintained that he knew full well he was striking a deal with the devil when he endorsed fellow candidate Donald Trump.
“He was completely crushed when he dropped out of the race,” his wife Mary Foster said. “He was desperate to get into the White House. He would have done anything—anything.”
“Near the end of his campaign, he started to go nuts with the pentagrams,” his son Patrick remembers, “But the goat sacrifices just left him lifeless. Just look at the video footage. He’s so lost—so empty.”
He leaves behind his wife and four children.

Randal Howard “Rand” Paul

Rand Paul, 53, died February 3, 2016 after “finally fulfilling a lifelong dream.”
“Every boy out there looks up to his father as an example. I’m no different,” Paul wrote in a letter to his family. “My dad ran multiple unsuccessful presidential campaigns, and I really wanted to be just like him.”
And he did just that: giving a run-of-the-mill, pseudo-libertarian Republican message, Paul delivered just the kind of extreme conservatism that made him hopelessly unelectable.
“I just couldn’t have been prouder of my boy,” father and former Texas Senator Ron Paul said. “There’s nothing more fulfilling than watching your own son fail miserably at the same things you did.”
“We’re just really happy that he was able to chase his dream and win it,” his wife Kelley Paul said. “He was never happier than when he was losing.”